22 | female | uk

Saturday, 15 September 2012


Autumn always feels like new year to me. It's always so clean and refreshing. To feel cool air on your skin after sweating through the muggy "summer" months. The sunlight becomes less blanketing and yellow, turning crisper, whiter. The falling leaves. The burnt copper colours and fading trees.
Oh my god, I literally love it. It's going back to school, and starting anew, and feeling more like myself than at any other time of year. It breathes in me. I feel more alive. In autumn, I'm more inclined to pursue creative projects and I get waves of ideas that I should really write down so I don't forget. I want to write, I want to make music, I want to do myself justice. I want to style myself differently. I want to re-write myself.

This autumn, I'm feeling all of the above with an intensity I haven't felt for many autumns. I feel older and braver than I have for a while. I'm returning to music I used to love, and by doing so I'm finding a part of myself that I haven't looked after for a long time. Death metal is full of anger and it's full of power. When I listen to it now, I feel the power more than I used to. I still hear the anger as well, and it's an emotion to embrace I think. You can be rightfully and justifiably angry. It's an empowering and strong thing to feel. It can break you free from traps. I think metal allows me to explore feeling angry in a way that I can control. It's a genuine feeling, and I'm learning to recognize it and translate it into positive actions, so when the time comes to be angry in my real life I won't fly off the wall or shrink into it, but stand my ground. I'm equipped with an underlying current that I can hear and feel in this music. That is, anger, but also, and very importantly, power. It's strong and totally of its kind, and you can soak it in; when I do it fills me with euphoria and a vivid sense of self. Like, I am my own fucking person. Feeling angry and powerful and listening to death metal can make you realize that you've been dealing with shit for longer than you thought, and you never even saw it before, you just assumed that's how things were meant to be. It makes you realize that you don't deserve this shit, that you can choose the people in your life, you can make your own life, you can look after yourself. Cut the waste. Don't let anyone cramp your style. Don't put up with off treatment. Cherish your real loves, your real friends, your real instincts, your real interests. BE YOUR FUCKING SELF.

I fucking love it. I love autumn and I love enveloping myself in this clarity of self I get during this season. It's a rarity to feel this way. Most of the year I'm either too hot, too cold, too fat, too thin, too stressed, too bored, too much this, not enough that. But it always comes, this feeling. It's me. It's calm and strong and it glows from within, and I am so happy to be this person. There are things I want to do, and I know that it's within my power to do them. There are friends I want to see more of and also people I want to spend no more time on. Some things come to an end. There are endings, and there are beginnings. Life is cyclical like a wave like the ocean one big ocean, and it's for us to keep on, changing, renewing, growing, learning, nurturing. 

Autumn hair cut. It feels so thick and swishy now! I love it so much.